Published
I have a tendency to make major life decisions in a very casual manner, the most recent being my move to London. It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth, “wow you’re so brave” or, “I wish I could do that” that I started to realize, oh... Maybe it is not so normal to move over 4,000 miles away from my family and the majority of people I love most? Was I being really crazy to completely eject myself from my comfort zone or any support system like this? Am I just running away? What am I running away from? Are people going to think there is something wrong with me that I am moving somewhere completely new in my 30s? A mild panic ensued. I pacified myself by crafting a narrative that I was only going away on a sabbatical. I was just taking six months to figure my shit out, and if I absolutely hated it, I could always return sooner. Nothing is permanent.
The truth is, before this decision to move, I had been battling a deep depression for nearly two years. I had always been an optimistic person and a problem solver by nature, so the fact that I could not get myself out of what I thought was just a rut snowballed into a debilitating emotional and psychological weight. I could not recognize or make sense of this dark and persistent mental space. Even though my brain conceptually knew what I needed to do to get out of this slump and that this moment would inevitably pass, I couldn’t get my heart and body on board. I felt so foreign in my own skin, so disconnected from myself and lost in the vastness of this sunken place, and then stuck there. All of my sadness felt permanent.
When I look back at this time, I just remember spending a lot of time horizontal, crying, and not showering. But funnily enough, I was continuously taking risks. I risked a friendship going into business with a person I loved dearly. I risked my savings to start said business. I risked my security and safety doing things my parents had always told me not to do growing up. I risked relationships I had spent years nurturing by turning down jobs that I didn’t feel like doing. I risked my career and reputation by staying in bed weeks at a time and missing deadlines or showing no interest at the opportunities that I once really wanted. At one point, my low became so unbearable that I found myself taking different kinds of risks.
I told someone I really did not know well enough about some of the dark things I had been going through. Normally, I would be cringing at how this person might perceive me, but it turned out to be one of the most rewarding risks on my journey. They introduced me to an energy healer. The work of that energy healer gave me the energy and motivation to find a therapist. That therapist introduced me to a soul contract reader and business coach. I found myself investing in a bunch of things I definitely could not afford at the time and was not sure I even believed in, and the universe rewarded me. It became clear I was in the midst of a spiritual awakening (read: reckoning) and coming out of my “Dark Night of the Soul” experience.
I had always previously dismissed the concept of spirituality, but here I was faced with the decision to either continue down my hero’s journey or not. I am thankful that my feeling of rock bottom gave me no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In doing so, the universe continued to reward me. In a matter of days, I went from having less than $5 in my bank account to being able to pay for a whole year’s worth of rent upfront. So many magical things kept on happening to me, that every other journal entry of mine either started or ended with, “You really can’t make this shit up.”
Suddenly, all the thoughts and feelings I thought were permanent were no longer true.
I always feel a bit “woo woo” talking about spirituality. It’s one of those things that is so abstract that unless you’ve gone through it, you feel like an alien with ten heads talking about it. Many times throughout this rollercoaster of a journey, I thought, what have I done opening pandora’s box? The journey is so brutal, so consuming, it feels like it would have been better to not look into the deepest, darkest corners of my psyche, but the reality of that would be to live a life exponentially less vibrant and full.
When you are able to make conscious your unconscious beliefs and patterns that hold you back, you are able to get more attuned to the energies around you that guide you to your higher self. Ultimately, I think most of us want to feel fulfilled and like we are reaching our highest potential, and I truly believe that you can only go so far as you are willing to explore yourself. As you expand, you naturally make room for bigger and better things into your life. Things you would have never imagined possible. My friends have been first-hand witnesses to the magic of this work. I have been a catalyst for some of their own journeys and have even been the conduit for some of the magic in their own lives.
There are many sayings about “no risk, no reward” or “only greatness comes from risk,” blah blah blah, but given the state of the world and how understandable it is to feel hopeless, I really believe the only thing that can save us is to take risks—even the ones that take us to the darkest places of ourselves. As hard as it is to see sometimes, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I know that is an annoying sentence to read when you’re in the thick of it but sometimes a reminder is necessary that at the end of the tunnel often lies a life better than you could have imagined.
I’ve found my happy place in London. Every day I meet interesting people and have conversations that make my brain and soul feel sunny and inspired. I'm working on incredible projects with incredible people. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more taken care of, understood, or valued, and honestly I don’t think I’ve ever looked better either. My crush is texting me right now, and everything feels right in a world that is very much not right. 10 out of 10 would fight all the mental dragons again to get here.
