The Internet’s Viral Serf Salad

Hard To Swallow digs into the popular new food trends overrunning the timelines, particularly during an economic downturn.

---

They say all algorithms lead to some kind of right-wing propaganda, that content gets increasingly radical as you watch. All of my Internet k-holes just lead me to diet trends.

Even if I open a browser to search something like, “Alice in chains mtv unplugged” — which I do, often, because I have the sensibilities of a washed up Gen X man — I eventually lose interest, click around, and end up at some alo yoga girl’s “How To Heal Your Gut” video.

Since my time of perfecting my browsing habits to arrive at “fitspo" began, which dates back to my pre-teen years finding ways to get from NeoPets to Pro-Ana LiveJournals, I’ve seen a shift. The girlies were once shelling out hundreds of dollars on rare, pricey superfoods and adaptogenic herbs. Now, they’re now eating like peasants. Recipes hark back to Le Cuisine Provincial, full of readily available, inexpensive ingredients. Read on. I promise there will be no mention of tinned fish.

If your feed is anything like mine, then you’ve come across the shaved carrot salad. The salad is hormone regulating, anti-inflammatory, detoxifying, and cheap as hell. Created by Dr. Ray Peat in the 90’s, the dish has been resurrected as a staple in one of today’s latest health food trends which focuses more on balancing hormones than calories in vs. calories out.

Ray Peat found that raw carrots contain fibers and enzymes that bind to excess estrogen and endotoxins to flush them out of the body. They also contain antibacterial and antifungal substances to heal the gut.

The standard recipe is simply one large carrot, some ACV, EVOO, salt and pepper. I’m a fan. I make mine with some sesame oil and soy sauce. It’s got a well-rounded flavor profile: umami, saltiness, acidity, a slight sweetness and satisfying crunch.

As I eat the hot new dish of peasant food, I remember Moon Juice founder’s Amanda Chantal Bacon “What I Eat In A Day” for Elle in 2015. She drank a “morning chi drink with 25 grams of plant protein, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin, ho shou wu, and pearl.” Chased with “three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets." She also snacked on “activated cashews.” Dinner was “seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth of mushrooms and herbs.”

This aspirational appeal wasn’t only about the dollar amount. It was about time and effort, arguably more essential commodities. The Goop-ifcation of hot girl health required researching health benefits, searching the bottomless sea of influencers, sourcing ingredients like sun-cured olives and sea moss gel, and finally taking another handful of hours just trying to prepare the recipes right. Have you ever tried to make a gluten-free cauliflower pizza crust from scratch? I’m a health-conscious person, but when it comes that lifestyle, simply put: I cannot be fucked.

Despite the recent article in The Cut featuring accounts from broke kids spending their disposable income at Erewhon—some openly admitting it deludes them with a sense of luxury and exclusivity— I don’t think that’s necessarily the case anymore. Sure, in fraught economic times purchasing becomes a psychological coping mechanism, but watching this new era of TikTok girlies shave carrots and boil organ meat the girls have given up the futile task of out-Gooping Gwen.

We’ve gone bankrupt, but elevated health prevails on an aesthetic level. Look at those bundles of beautiful fibrous ribbons. Do those vibrant purples and oranges not look like a plate of health?

With carrots being around 1 dollar per pound—I’m really racking my synapse-fried brain to do some intermediate math—I guess it’s like a $0.95 dish. In terms of budget-friendly diets, I suppose I always unintentionally followed suit. In fact, I never felt more seen by a celebrity than when Robert Pattinson told GQ, “I'll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of it.” Exactly! Keep it low in the kitchen and have more for a night out.

In this economy, you need to treats to get through the dread. Be DECADENT. I’m talking steak au poivre and dauphinoise level decadence. Chase it with a Marlboro Light then have tiramisu and smoke two more. Feels great.

To each his own though. One subject in The Cut’s article expressed how they’d rather spend $20 on a nutrient-rich smoothie than go to a club and get a vodka soda. If you still insist on buying overpriced ingredients then laboring over some kind of ginger bone broth, greek goddess dressing, or chocolate avocado mousse, why not steal from Whole Foods? It’s comical how easy it is to steal from Whole Foods.