6 People Jordan Coley Wants to Kiss

6 People I Want to Kiss is a column where someone lists the six people they’d like to kiss.

Jordan Coley, comedian, host of variety show The Jordan Show, and notorious screenwriter-about-town can be found out and about delivering a well-timed punch line. However, this list of people he’d like to kiss is anything but a joke. Below are the six people Coley would smooch, like, forreal.

LINDA FIORENTINO

My crush on Linda Fiorentino spans decades. I first encountered her in Men in Black (1997). As Dr. Laurel Weaver, a medical examiner who discovers a tiny, dying alien disguising himself as a man from Queens, she’s the archetypal cool ’90s heroine: intelligent, headstrong, a little sultry. She’s got such a great voice. Her low drawl gives her an air of aloof indifference. Everything she says sounds as if she’s yawning in your face. It wasn’t until relatively recently that I saw her in other iconic roles like Kiki Bridges, the unnervingly sexy sculpture-making roommate in Scorsese’s After Hours (1985), or in The Last Seduction (1994), where she plays Bridget Gregory, a femme fatale hiding out from her petty criminal boyfriend in a small, western New York town. Tragically, she was run out of the industry in the late ’90s after she was branded “difficult” by powerful men like Harvey Weinstein. She last appeared in a film in 2009. I miss you, queen.

TAYLOUR PAIGE

I didn’t like the way Kendrick was rubbing all up on her in that one video. But I understand. I like her eyes and that little beauty mark. She looks like she was the prettiest girl in your third grade homeroom. Does that make sense?

SUSAN SARANDON

Do I even have to explain this one? She’s just hot. She’s one of those actors who has never played a non-hot character because the casting simply wouldn’t make sense. There’s not one but two scenes in the 1981 Louis Malle film Atlantic City where Sarandon’s character bathes herself topless in lemon juice in front of an open window. Why? Because!

She’s also, apparently, one of the few white Hollywood stars of her generation with a spine. She deserves the world.

VELVET ROPE JANET JACKSON

Janet Jackson has been so hot for so long that it feels perverse to single out a single period like this. But I think I’m particularly taken by her Velvet Rope era because it was where her eclectic, younger sibling freak flag began to fly most proudly and boldly. Those sexy ass corset suits, the freaky, asymmetrical auburn hair, making thinly veiled songs about her bisexuality, wearing a nipple ring on the outside of her clothes? What am I supposed to do? Say no??

CHAKA KHAN

With all due respect to Betty Davis, Chaka Khan is probably the first truly famous alt Black girl. She had weird, potentially problematic personal style: during early performances with her band, Khan would often appear in Native American feathers and chaps. She wasn’t just a pretty face: Khan is a skilled drummer and bassist. She was known to keep a couple of freaky white boys around: Have you seen a picture of Rufus? For all this and the fact that she has one of the most beautiful voices of all time, Chaka will forever be my crush.

1975 ARETHA FRANKLIN

I’m thinking specifically of Aretha on the cover of her woefully overlooked 1975 album You. She’s reclining invitingly on the lawn of what we can only assume is her Bel Air manse. She’s wearing a naughty, yellow skirt set and sunglasses that can most accurately be described as “the ones James Brown is wearing during that CNN interview where he’s high on cocaine.” She has a cheeky little auburn bob. In short, reader, she looks bad as hell. When I first saw this cover, I thought, “I’m sorry, Queen of Soul. I was unfamiliar with your game!”